Recently, I flew. I donâ€™t meanÂ in a plane, I mean full-on soaring above the clouds and the mountains. Ok, so it was more like falling, rapidly at 200kph, 55.6 metres per second, for 45 oh-so- long seconds with Jerry my tandem, skydiving instructor strapped ridiculously close to me.
But for at least 40 seconds (I was in shock for the first five), I felt what it must be like to be a bird. The freedom of flying really felt exhilarating. In fact, my mum took me skydiving as a 21st present-her way of telling me that Iâ€™ve already conquered my greatest fear and she thinks anything is possible of me in this world. A card wouldâ€™ve done mum, but the sentiment is still sweet.
12,000ft in the air, the world looked miniscule. Mountains were made to look like ant hills, entire fields momentarily shrunken to a checkerboard of green. This is what an eagle or Jay-Z must feel like all the time, either way I was ruler of the world for 45 whole seconds.
Itâ€™s easy to understand where birds get their god complex from; flying is empowering. Â The reason they think itâ€™s alright to waltz into a restaurant, stare at you while youâ€™re eating your lunch in the park or why they think they can get closer to you than that one persistent sleaze at every party. Itâ€™s because they think, they own you. You know the ones. Pigeons.
And theyâ€™re not wrong. They know that we know that theyâ€™re disease-ridden and they embrace this power. This isnâ€™t just me being dramatic either. Â At the risk of sounding like the ad for movie piracy â€“ you wouldnâ€™t pet a rat. Why would you pet a pigeon? Pigeons are the rats of the sky.
As intimidated as I am by the pigeons, they still havenâ€™t figured out that when I run towards them, Iâ€™m not actually going to step on them. Theyâ€™re not the brightest.Â I suppose this is my way of apologizing in advance to all my friends for when I run after pigeons without warning. Because friends, if you let one pigeon know theyâ€™re welcome, they invite a whole brood. Their nests have an open invite to secondary pests and their droppings are so acidic, theyâ€™ll damage your car. Did I mention the potential salmonella they carry around?
So hereâ€™s my message to all pigeons of the world. You donâ€™t scare me; please stay away from my home and my food and just my general vicinity. Â If not, I know some pigeon hit-men who will come after you. Thatâ€™s right. I conquer you. My mum said I could. Thanks mum.